Muscle CarToons
Outside-Inside
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
INSIDE: What the HECK was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
OUTSIDE: For every year that goes by, Mother
INSIDE: I just think of that inheritance getting closer and closer....
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheater!
OUTSIDE: We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.
OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.
MUSCLE CAR SELLERS TERMS & WHAT THEY MEAN
Body fair...
No metal remaining below the bondo
Body good...
Body is not really good. It's useable, not more. Don't assume
anything. All major holes were fiberglassed, then filled with bondo
Completely restored...
Fixed it, so that it can be sold.
Concours...
Had it washed and waxed
Desirable Classic...
Nobody likes it
Fine old Classic...
Old car
Show winner...
At the pancake breakfast art show
Has been appraised...
I want an outrageous amount for it
Must sacrifice...
Can't give it away
No time to restore...
Parts nonexistent
Parts car...
All useable parts have been stripped off
Restored...
Fixed up
Solid as a rock...
Everything rusted together (Northern car)
Stored 20 years...
Engine blew when new
You finish...
There's no light at the end of the endless tunnel
99% complete...
Most important stuff is gone
99% restored...
Can't find the rare parts needed to finish
WISCONSIN HUNTERS
Two hunters from Wisconsin -- (true story)
This is from a radio program, a true report of an
incident in Wisconsin:
This guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for
$42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a
friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all
the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the
lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new
vehicle.
They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now,
they want to make some kind of a natural landing area
for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it's going to take a little more effort than an ice
hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator
truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second
fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they,
(and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They
don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder
what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big
enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a
moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another
shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes
really confused and of course terrified, thinking
these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new
Navigator truck. The men continue to yell as they
run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so
the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck,
and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to
the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving
the two idiots standing there with this "I can't
believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a
month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not going well ---
Subject: The Lone Ranger & Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set
up their tent,and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes
his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me
see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets"
"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo."
"Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small
and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Someone has stolen our tent."
Things I've learned about Texas .....
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders.
All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no one's seen before.
Possums will eat anything.
Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
Coldbeer is one word.
People actually grow and eat okra.
Fixinto is one word.
A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation,
watterin' the cows, swimming, or a weekly bath.
There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.
Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.
Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.
'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
Darn near everyone knows 5 or more cloud types
(guess they got to be look'n out for them there ternayders-
(translation: tornados)
More Texasisms:
You know you're from Texas if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no
one in it, no matter what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
11. The local papers cover national and international news on one
page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer,
still summer, and Christmas.
15. You know whether another Texian is from east, west,
north or south as soon as they open their mouth.
16. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as
"goin wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees)
as good chili weather.
18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ...
it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example
"What kinna coke you want?"
THE OUTHOUSE POEM
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell -- got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
Christmas Cake Recipe
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla
2 cups of dried fruit
|
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Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a crap. Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, Finish the Jose Cuervo and kick the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS! OR IS IT CHEERY DISTMAS OH WELL HERE'S TO YOU!
A blonde pushes her car into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies,"Just crap in the carburetor."
She hesitates, then asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another Career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what
was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam
with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor,
saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed
adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the
engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the
mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
it all through the tailpipe."
Microsoft in Detroit?
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
You Know You Have Too Much Horsepower When
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
"You might be a racer if ..."
- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
- You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.
- You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.
- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.
- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
- When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.
- You change engine oil every other week.
- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.
- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
- Your racing budget is one of the big three -- mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.
-Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
- You walk proper lines through the grocery store.
- You've been known to yell "It means 'check your mirrors' dammit!" at your television.
- You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
- You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.
- You bought a race car before buying a house.
- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.
- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28'enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8) Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property somewhere -or- hookups for the motorhome.
- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.
- You know well that Orthodontic work is the equivalant of three sets of tires
- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.
- Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."
- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
- You have enough spare parts to build another car.
- More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.
- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
- You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers, start your engines!"
- If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.
- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.
- Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and Pauter rods and your 'significant other' knows what they are.
- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"
- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.
- Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith has ever written.... and 400 car magazines, none of which have centerfolds.
- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.
- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you are the one stuck in the mud at ButtonWillow last weekend!"
- You talk to other cars on the road, calling them by the manufacturer's name.
- Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair skills. Air tools optional.
- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.
- Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".
- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.
- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.
- You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in, but can't remember your phone number.
- Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
- You give out Summit Racing's number when a friend asks for the best hardware store.
- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.
- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.
- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.
- You always do a toe & heel downshift while whoever might be your passenger gives you a real funny look.
- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
- You can't stand understeer.
- You always want to change something in your street car to make it handle better.
- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
- You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
- You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.
- You save broken car parts as " momentos".
- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as you apexed the on-ramps perfectly....
- You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).
- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car you have been within 50 yards of...
- The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust piping.
- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.
- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tip every day than you do bathing.
- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
- You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
- You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the emergency brake to kick the back end out.
- White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev limiter "a fun limiter"
- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.
- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "The Auto Math Handbook"
- When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
- You have racing shops programmed on on your speed dialer.
- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
- You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower and want to improve them.
- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting on wearing your full face helmet while driving.
- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute, including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.
- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.
- You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.
- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview afterwards.
- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why... is there a race there?"